As someone who has survived the torment of being involved with a covert narcissist, I can tell you firsthand that their manipulations can be subtle and insidious. Unlike overt narcissists, who crave attention and admiration openly, covert narcissists are much harder to spot in the beginning. They often seem charming, sensitive, and thoughtful, but beneath that façade lies a darker, self-centered agenda. Here are the top 10 early signs I experienced as a survivor, written from my perspective to help others recognize the red flags before it’s too late.
1. Excessive Self-Deprecation, But Only to Gain Validation
At first, they may appear humble and self-effacing. They tell you about their struggles and how hard life has been for them. The problem, though, is that it’s all for the purpose of fishing for validation. Covert narcissists will drop hints about how hard their life has been, how misunderstood they are, or how much they’ve sacrificed for others. But when you give them empathy or praise, they often deflect it or act as though it’s never enough. Early red flag. They may say things like, “I’ve always had such a hard time making friends,” or “No one ever seems to really understand me.” It’s a cry for validation, not a genuine expression of vulnerability.
2. Constant Victimhood
A covert narcissist will present themselves as a perpetual victim of life’s injustices, but it’s often only in relation to others. They constantly talk about how everyone else is out to get them or how things always go wrong because of others’ actions. They rarely take accountability for their part in any situation. You might hear them say things like, “I don’t know why people treat me this way,” or “I always get the short end of the stick.” Early red flag*: They rarely acknowledge their own flaws or mistakes. Everything is always someone else’s fault, and they are constantly looking for sympathy from you.
3. Idealizing You, Then Devaluing You
In the beginning, the covert narcissist may idealize you, putting you on a pedestal. They will shower you with affection, praise, and attention, making you feel like you’re the most important person in their life. However, once they’ve reeled you in, the devaluation begins. They will subtly criticize, belittle, or ignore you, often leaving you confused about what happened. It’s a pattern of highs and lows that leaves you emotionally exhausted. Early red flag: You may feel confused by the inconsistency of their affection. One moment they are completely in love with you, the next they are distant or critical without any explanation.
4. Passive-Aggressive Behavior
Covert narcissists rarely express anger or frustration directly. Instead, they engage in passive-aggressive behavior, which can leave you constantly walking on eggshells. They might give you the silent treatment, make backhanded compliments, or use sarcasm to belittle you. These actions are often framed as “jokes,” but they chip away at your self-esteem over time. Early red flag: When confronted with a problem, they might deflect by saying, “I didn’t say that. You’re just overreacting,” or “Can’t you take a joke?” These responses often make you question your own reality.
5. Lack of Empathy, Yet Over-Sensitivity to Criticism
While they might display an outward appearance of sensitivity, they actually lack true empathy for others. They may listen to your struggles, but they’re really just waiting for the conversation to shift back to them. If you express any concern or disagreement with them, however, they’ll react with disproportionate anger or withdrawal. Their emotional reactions are extreme and always self-centered. Early red flag: If you try to talk about something important to you, they quickly make it about themselves or ignore your feelings entirely. On the other hand, the moment you say anything that even remotely criticizes them, they act like it’s a personal attack.
6. Love-Bombing, Then Withdrawing
Covert narcissists are notorious for their love-bombing tactics—showering you with affection, attention, and idealized praise in the beginning. But once they feel like they’ve secured your affection and trust, they begin to withdraw. They’ll withhold affection and validation, creating an emotional void that you’ll find yourself desperately trying to fill. This push-and-pull dynamic is exhausting and confusing. Early red flag: They may start with constant text messages or calls, making you feel like you’re the only one who matters. Then, just when you feel secure, they suddenly go quiet, leaving you to wonder what happened.
7. Subtle Gaslighting
One of the most insidious signs of a covert narcissist is their ability to gaslight you into questioning your own reality. They might deny things they’ve said or done, making you feel like you’re going crazy. For example, if you bring up a past conversation, they’ll say, “I never said that,” or “You must be mistaken.” This gaslighting tactic leaves you second-guessing everything, especially your perception of events.. You start to feel like you’re always apologizing or defending yourself. You may doubt your own memory or perception of things because they make you feel like you’re overreacting.
8. Control Through Guilt
Covert narcissists are masters at manipulating others through guilt. They will subtly make you feel responsible for their happiness and well-being, and if you don’t meet their emotional needs, they’ll make you feel like a bad person. They may say things like, “I don’t know what I would do without you,” or “I just need someone to understand me.” When you try to take care of yourself or set boundaries, they accuse you of being selfish. Early red flag: They always frame things in a way that makes you feel like you owe them something. When you don’t fulfill their needs, they make you feel guilty for not being the “perfect partner” or friend.
9. Chronic Insecurity Masked as Humility
While they may present themselves as humble, deep down, a covert narcissist is deeply insecure. They constantly need reassurance from others, yet they act like they don’t care about recognition. It’s a catch-22: they will subtly fish for compliments or praise, and when they don’t get it, they’ll withdraw or become passive-aggressive. Early red flag: You may notice that while they act like they don’t need praise, they seem to be fishing for it constantly, whether it’s about their achievements, looks, or intelligence.
10. Lack of Long-Term Friendships
Despite their initial charm, covert narcissists often have difficulty maintaining long-term friendships or relationships. They may have a trail of broken friendships or emotionally distant family relationships. At first, they’ll speak about these failed relationships as though it’s the other person’s fault, but over time, you may realize that the pattern of instability always points back to their behavior. Early red flag: They may talk about how all of their past relationships ended because the other person “couldn’t handle them” or “didn’t understand them.” They will rarely acknowledge their own role in the breakdown of these relationships. Recognizing the early signs of a covert narcissist can save you from years of emotional turmoil. They are experts at masking their true nature, making it difficult for you to see their manipulative behavior until you’re already emotionally invested. If you start noticing any of these red flags, trust your instincts. Covert narcissists can be extremely draining, leaving you questioning your reality and feeling isolated. Protect yourself early, and remember, you deserve to be in a relationship where your feelings and needs are respected, not exploited.